Taking a Step Away

There’s more to focus on right now

In a previous post I mentioned I wanted to keep working to keep my mind off of things, but with the news of the brain tumor and my upcoming treatment roadmap, it’s clear to my doctor and I that it’s just not practical or possible to keep working over the next few weeks/months.

As mentioned in my post on the anti-cancer diet there’s a lot of evidence that stress causes cortisol spikes which causes inflammation, which encourages cancer. Amazon is somewhat synonymous with stress as an employer, which normally I thrive in, but right now I’m looking for all ways to reduce.

Even more importantly, it’s a mentally challenging role, analyzing data, reading and writing dense documents, etc… and between current brain status and future brain status after surgery and chemo, it’s unclear how effective I’ll really be in the near-term. And as much as I’d like to keep busy and productive, if I’m only at 30% mental capacity (let alone physical capacity) I’m just going to make things worse for my coworkers.

So starting today, I’m taking a leave from work to focus full time on recovery. I hope to return sometime in the new year stronger and in better shape, but for now my days are best spent focusing on healing.

Interestingly, the anti-seizure medication I just started taking has potential side effects of depression, suicide and anxiety, but all I feel on my last day is one of peace - the weight of having one less inconsequential document to worry about, one less meeting to wake up for early in the morning is gone for now. These are things that mean absolutely nothing in the bigger scheme of life.

Maybe one day I’ll stress about my career prospects from such a break or what’s next here, but for today I’m overwhelmingly positive about focusing full time on recovery. I’m very grateful to the support I’ve received from my coworkers and management during this time and hope I’ve left them in an ok place.

As a Product Manager my job is to do analysis of the situation and set priorities, and it’s clear to me that recovery is the top of my backlog at the moment. I plan to spend my days healing, researching solutions, meditating, praying and connecting more with my friends and family.